God is good.  I guess that's the best place to start. I haven't written in a long time, let alone kept a blog, but it seems like a good time to start again. I can't promise I'll have anything of value to say, or even anything coherent, but what else is new? 

That's actually a good question - what else is new? Since I last blogged (i think at the time LiveJournal was the site of choice, or something equally ridiculous), I've moved states, jobs, schools, relationships, weights, hair color and medical diagnoses.  Apparently, I'm no stranger to change. I have a husband I love, a dog we spoil, a house I can't seem to keep clean enough and a job that keeps me on my toes (and always learning).

Can you count all the things that I'm worried about by the lines in my brow? 

So...why am I so anxious? That's what my doctor and I both would like to know. Do you ever feel like you're enough? Smart enough, successful enough, fit enough, generous enough, faithful enough, compassionate enough, loving enough...? I think that's where my problem starts. I honestly value these things and strive toward them, but my subconscious answer (I think) is no. Of course, I'd never admit that to myself.

I wish I was a writer. As in, I wish I was a fantastic, imagery-toting, reflection-wielding, eye-opening, articulate phenom. I also wish I had a more photographic memory, that I could absorb theories and data like a Wachspress ;) and love people with the passion of a Becky.

I'm not sure why, but I seem to hold myself to an "all or nothing" standard. I can either be the best at ALL of these things or I have clearly failed wholly. I would never even consider relegating anyone else to these same expectations because they are far too restrictive, and yet, here I am: eternally disappointed in myself, eternally pushing beyond barriers of sanity and reason. 

I want to trust but I don't know how to rest and be still, to abandon myself to your will and I can't figure out what my time in this world is about.

Does anyone not struggle with this? Christian or not, isn't trust something we inherently struggle with in humanity? Personally, I really, REALLY fail at both resting AND being still. I think I'm afraid I'm not busy enough, not accomplishing enough and I can hear the whispers of doubt in my head poking holes - large, gaping holes - in my self-confidence. I loathe the stillness, the quiet.  I don't trust it; thus begins my disturbing hatred of being alone (not relationship-wise, but just physically sitting alone at home, in a room, etc.). It's gotten much better over the years, but still a source of discomfort that I'm wading through.

Do you wonder what your time here is about? I know of two things (though they're related): I'm here to display the love of God so that others can experience it and know Him more fully and I'm supposed to be a mom (NO - I'm not pregnant, much to Mama and Papa's dismay). I really do have a strong desire to be a mom - something that I've always carried with me. I say that it's not time for us because we're not ready financially (which is true, in part). Silly wedding debt - what were we thinking? (though it was the best day ever so far!) Truth be told, I feel like my success in that second life purpose is inherently tied to my faithfulness to fulfilling the first. Before I'm a mom, I really want my lifestyle and decisions to fully (as much as I can) reflect a love of God so that the image of their mom is exactly that. So, my anxious desire for motherhood is on hold while I work on loving God and His people (even those that don't know they're His yet!). In the meantime, I'm starting my MBA...which on the one hand, I'm VERY excited about and on the other hand I'm very nervous and hesitant because I want to make sure I'm doing it for the right reasons and not just another excuse to be busy so I don't hear God's voice telling me things I don't want to hear... (but probably need to)

I wanna know what the truth is, and I don't care if it's costly. 

It's amazing to me how deeply I can love God yet how hard it is to take time to show that (or use the time I have to just BE love). It's amazing to me how MANY questions I have and how strongly I desire to know Him more and understand who I am in light of Him...yet I fail to take time to seek out those answers. I remember having the passion reflected in that statement - wanting to know the truth at all costs - whether it made me feel bad or guilty or more inclined to sacrifice of myself for the good of others. I want to WANT to know the truth better than I do today. How do you spark that kind of desperate wonder?

I know there must be a reason, even if it cannot be known by me.

I find it incredibly unsatisfying when people negate the existence of God simply because He cannot be contained by reason. I'm certainly not the type to force people to adhere to my belief construct (even though I thoroughly desire for everyone to know the God of love whom I call my savior); the whole point of faith is that it is a choice - you choose to know God, choose to love God and THAT is where the value lies. Condemning people for making a choice different than yours - even if you view it as the wrong choice - does not reflect God's love or His desire for us to CHOOSE Him. Isn't that the beauty of it? Not that I condone pluralism, that's a completely separate monster, but condemnation was just not Jesus' way. And didn't He say that, "I am the way, the truth, the light"? So why don't we trust His way?

There's so much about faith and God and love that I don't understand or know.  There's so much about this life that is still a mystery to me; some of it I hope to discover over time, much of it I struggle with not knowing and become impatient and frustrated - but ultimately I truly believe that there is a reason and I know that I will never understand all of it, at least, not in this life. Accepting that there is a reason, yet that it may not be known by me will be one of my everlasting, life-long struggles...sometimes it just helps to say it out loud (or in this case, to get it out on screen).

I also think it would be incredibly disappointing if my God could be contained by reason...how small would God have to be for that to be true? I'm glad that my God is bigger than I can imagine or think or reason or understand; He's so much bigger than me. 

I still have the heart of a seeker, but I need the faith of a child.

How amazing little children are - soaking in the vision of the world.  Seeing beyond the horizon. Painting pictures with dreams. As I remember back to my childhood, I often think I knew too much, too fast. Luke speaks of the church as a body - of the faithful as a body.  Each part, no matter how small, is significant to the health of the whole...this becomes very clear to me each time I hurt myself (which is often), even just sprained finger or my current turmoil of a ganglion cyst on my right index finger. Each of us, individually, also composes our own body of faith. It is not enough to have just a spirit of faith, or a heart or an academic mind of theology or reasoning of God. It is the congealing of all of these elements that true, holistic faith springs from. There are so many different ways to experience God, and He desires us to know Him in all of them. In joy, in sorrow, in success, in failure, in birth, in death, in words and logic, in trusting during the fog, in these times and so much more He reveals himself to us.

Lately, I've felt just the opposite. i feel like I have the faith of a child, but not the heart of a seeker. or maybe the heart of a child but not the faith of one or the heart of a seeker. In fact, I don't know what I have or what I'm missing...but I'd really like to figure that out.

So, clearly, there's a lot of uncertainty out there and so much unknown. This is what I DO know: I am truly blessed. God is truly good. You have incredible worth (we both do). Take time to truly explore your questions, but accept that you may never find all the answers. I'll be working on this myself.

Until next time, 

Tabby

PS - Large Font Quotes from "Faith of a Child" by the O.C. Supertones